Hello! So, you’re tired of the real world. Who isn’t? Had enough of eight hour days, long commutes, and your inability to cook? Are you ready for adventure, drama, and love*? Then you’ve come to the right place. Walk into that wardrobe – welcome to the travel agency for imaginary places. Why don’t you have a seat and look at some of our great packages?
* cannot be guaranteed – some places have outlawed love or are inhabited exclusively by non-humanoid beings.
1. Wizarding England
The United Kingdom is a fantastic place, filled with history and terrible food. Tourists flock to London every year, and there’s a good reason! They want to catch a glimpse of a prince or ride on a double decker bus, gazing upon such landmarks as Big Ben or Westminster Abbey. But with our travel package, you’ll beat out the Muggles and spend two weeks on the Knight Bus, driven by celebrity memoirist (I Drove Harry Potter, I Did) Stan Shunpike with commentary by Shrunken Head. You’ll see such famous gathering places as Hogsmeade, Ottery St. Catchpole, and Diagon Alley, with free hot chocolate provided by The Three Broomsticks and Toothflossing Stringmints by Honeydukes. It’s the greatest trip you’ll never remember, as you will be Obliviated as soon as you’re dropped off at the airport. Oh well! At least you’ll always be asking yourself where you got that giant gold coin!
2. Battleground Sites – Narnia
Are you a sucker for historical markers? Try out out battleground tour of Narnia. Pack light, because the weather’s fine. You and a select tour group will be lead through the wardrobe by a certified tour faun, and you’ll see the Stone Table, the Witch’s Sculpture Garden (now empty), and a reconstruction of the Dawn Treader! Buy souvenirs from the family of Beavers that live just next to the lamp-post tree! The best part is that after your one month stay, you’ll return home no older than when you left, and soon you’ll begin questioning if it wasn’t something you made up out of your own desperation.
3. The Mines of Moria Ghost Tour
Most ghost tours are disappointing. No ghosts materialize, and the air remains disappointingly warm. But not on this one! Here, you’re in real danger*! See ancient quarries and long forgotten statues. Encounter disturbed evil from deep inside the earth. Don’t touch any artifacts you see, though – you never know what non-ghosts you might attract. For kids, there’s the Mines of Moria Cart Ride ™! Ages 6 and up.
*all participants on tour are required to sign a waiver of liability for possible death
4. The Mushroom Kingdom
Are you athletic? Do you love jumping or swimming? Our Mushroom Kingdom vacation package is for you! You’ll receive 5 star accommodations (each star provides immunity for a limited amount of time) in a suite in the Mushroom Palace, with little to no risk of kidnapping! An army of toadstools will wait on you, and all your plumbing needs will be promptly attended to. Fun activities include jumping down pipes, jumping onto flagpoles, and trying not to drown.
5. Kingdom of the Mole People
Have you ever wondered what’s in New York City’s abandoned subway tunnels? Now you can find out! After being blindfolded and taking the 6 train past the last stop, you’ll be dropped off with your tour group with instructions to “follow the rats”. When you get to where you’re going, you’ll see such sights as fully functional kitchens, sleeping bag cities, and glittering palaces made of the lost wealth of Al Capone. The Travel Agency of Imaginary Places would like to state that it is not confirmed that any of its customers has been eaten on this vacation package. Any Yelp reviews stating as much will be reported for libel.
Tickets for the Wizarding England excursion please!